Exams

Even though I planned to make this a reminder of all the things I ought to be grateful for, there are moments when everything seems to be falling apart, and I don’t know where to turn to and find the good in my life.
I usually turn to health, I went through tricky times in the past, but nothing too worrying, or painful, or sudden.
Well, I was deaf for some time, and had to undergo some surgery, and not too pleasant tests, but I never really worried too much, or for too long.

But this time it was different. I’ve been worrying and being tested for months, not all the time of course, but it’s been a long, exhausting process. And every time you’re told that maybe some more tests are needed, the dark clouds grow darker, and the silver lining seems to disappear. And you can’t even say well, at least I still have health. Because, you know, maybe you don’t.

And then comes the day you go for another exam, and the person before you leaves the examination room in tears, and it looks like a bad sign.
And then your test is good, perfect, nothing is wrong. Of course you need to be careful and have regular check ups, but you’re fine.
And the dark clouds start to fade, and you can see the light again. The sun.

things to be grateful for – night shift

No, I’m not grateful for night shifts, even though I must admit they did pay pretty well, at the call centre I worked in back in the days.

I lost count of the “things to be grateful for” drafts so far, but tonight I will just publish, whatever road this post decides to take me.

It was an amazing night. With amazing people.

I have been reading and studying and analysing people’s reactions to war and violence for years now, and I never cease to be in awe at the strength and resilience they show.
The humanity that never dies.
The life that screams through them.
The hope that refuses to fade.

And still, when I meet people who have been through all the violence and danger and war and risks, when I hear their stories, their will to go on despite all the evil they faced, despite the pain, the fear, the death around them, I am amazed.

A night out with my young brave Kurdish friend is an experience that left me lost for words.
The struggles she went through, as a Kurd in Syria, as a woman in a war torn Country, as someone living in a besieged city, as a stranger in a Country that is not hers, where she had to face hardship and sneering, and yet she never gave up.

Listening to her story, how she made her escape, the times she feared for her – and her loved ones’ – life, the new version of her she built here, I could not help feeling small, and humbled. Wishing to be more like her, and knowing I will never be.
And grateful for this friendship, that came unexpected, and is one of the greatest gifts this year had in store for me.

things to be grateful four – day for

Well no, it’s not a typo, I just couldn’t help being silly with the title.
I can’t help being silly most of the time, to be honest.

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I have been living here for a year now, studying hard(ish), volunteering here and there, making friends, taking pictures, getting to know a Country and the zillion of cultures mixed and living together. I never imagined such huge differences could exist in a tiny, tiny Country.

I am grateful for this year, it was a big leap into the void, at times I have thought it was a huge mistake, and maybe it was. Couldn’t make a better one, though.

The downside of this amazing experience is, needless to say, that I have spent all my money and I am nearly completely broke. It was an investment, and I hope it will bear some fruit. Still, I am broke.

…

I woke up this morning, checked my messages, and there it was! My former boss saying somebody is waiting for my CV. It’s in another Country, but a very nice one. And hey, did I mention I’ve been here for a year already?!

I am not sure where this will lead, and I know I wanted to write about the things I am grateful for in general, but today I can’t help feeling grateful for the opportunity.

I dare even say I am happy.

Things to be grateful for – day three

One thing I was aware of when I decided to work in Development: my life was not going to be stable.

I was probably never going to buy a house – even if now I dream of a place of my own; I wasn’t going to see my family much, see them grow up or grow old, miss a lot of their lives; I was even prepared not to have a family of my own – and I am clearly having second thoughts on that, too.

What I really was not expecting, though, were friends.
I get to work with amazing people, share nights and days with them, work and relax, office and house.
Sometimes it is too much, but I am sure life would be much harder if I were to be on my own in a new place every time.
Sometimes colleagues remain just that, and sometimes they become friends. Real friends. The type that you always feel close, despite oceans between you. The friends you only realise how much you’ve missed when you meet again.

That’s what I am grateful for today, friends who will always somehow be in my life, and that I will manage to meet in the most unlikely places, airports, stations, by chance in a pub, one night.

When the sun is always shining

It gets hard to find the silver lining.
No, I won’t start writing in rhymes (even though…), but the thought arrived in this exact form, and it seemed a shame to change it.

I have been really neglecting this blog, these last months.
Tough decisions tend to drain energy and hope, although they were probably good ones. Maybe they were not, and there are days I can’t help thinking that I’ve made a big, terrible mistake. Still, deep inside I know that I had to move on from a relationship that had become a cage.
I had to survive, somehow.

So here we go again.
I will have to give myself a task, a daily one, and try and stick to it. I’ve been through worse times, much worse times, I can’t let myself slip away for this. I need something to hold on to.

New project is: find something to be grateful for every day. Celebrate the little things. Friends, trips, books, a song, a smile from a stranger (hopefully I won’t stumble into stalkers 😂), a walk, a remainder of lives lost in an abandoned building…
No matter how much I sometimes enjoy drowning in self pity, I know that I have been blessed in many, many ways. I probably take it all for granted, and even the smallest disappointment seems a tragedy, and it’s time – again – to put things into perspective.
Let’s see how it goes.

Another year

Another year to find silver linings. Guess I have started soon and well.
Got the flu, I can finally catch up with series I love. I am clearly not back in Beirut yet, or I’d have gone mad by now, waiting for hours for a forty minutes episodes.

So, all is well. Or that’s what I keep telling myself. The hard decision has been taken and I am trying to stick to it. But it’s hard. Very hard.
…have I said I’m finding this hard, yet?! 😂

I’ll know the hard times are over when I’ll feel like taking pictures again.
For now, I watch TV.

And the snow

being forced to figure out what I want – a blessing in disguise

And so, silver lining.

Realising that your life is not turning out to be the way you’d planned, and that the one you love may never get out of the horrible place he’s in, and having to deal with the guilt of wanting to go on with your life anyway. It was bad, tears were shed, dreams were shattered, hearts were stopped for some time.

But here’s what: I want to be happy, like everyone.
I want a job I love, again. I want to be loved. I want great sex every day, and talks, and laughter, and hugs, and fun, and support, and respect, and sharing, and adventure; and being there for someone, and knowing that he will be there for me. I want to go to bed at night knowing that I will wake up with the same man, and that every day can be a new, exciting beginning.

I want a home to go back to.