Pollyanna Rules

Silver line in the cloud, there surely is no hurry, but would you mind showing up?!


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Things to be grateful for – day three

One thing I was aware of when I decided to work in Development: my life was not going to be stable.

I was probably never going to buy a house – even if now I dream of a place of my own; I wasn’t going to see my family much, see them grow up or grow old, miss a lot of their lives; I was even prepared not to have a family of my own – and I am clearly having second thoughts on that, too.

What I really was not expecting, though, were friends.
I get to work with amazing people, share nights and days with them, work and relax, office and house.
Sometimes it is too much, but I am sure life would be much harder if I were to be on my own in a new place every time.
Sometimes colleagues remain just that, and sometimes they become friends. Real friends. The type that you always feel close, despite oceans between you. The friends you only realise how much you’ve missed when you meet again.

That’s what I am grateful for today, friends who will always somehow be in my life, and that I will manage to meet in the most unlikely places, airports, stations, by chance in a pub, one night.

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after finding the silver lining…

Tomorrow I’ll be back in Lebanon, and this time I have mixed feelings.
Happy to find my friends, excited about the new people I will meet, things I will do, places I will see, but slightly uneasy as well.
It’s not a feeling I can properly explain – or understand, for that matter – but it is there. And I have to come to terms with it, like it or not.
I gave myself a year to move on with my life, to distance myself from people that were making me miserable, from a job that did not make much sense any more, from a road that was leading me somewhere I was not comfortable with.
It mostly worked, looking back, a year ago I was on the verge of a breakdown, I hated almost everything, and almost everyone. I was grateful for the wonderful people I could share a part of the way with, and yet I was sad because I knew I would lose them if I went ahead with my escape plan.

Where am I now?
In a messy room, unable to decide what to take and what to leave, and tempted to leave everything.
And I am…I have no idea. I have maybe understood things about myself, I now know that despite despising the organisation I worked for, I love my job. I am good at it, and it made me happy. It even made sense, sometimes, when I was not confined inside those grey walls, with many grey people.

So, what do I do now?
Guess I will start looking for jobs I am skilled for again.
I know I will probably never work in the field, despite that being my dream. But dreams can change, and sometimes the reality we face is even better than the dreams we had.
Or we just adjust to what we have.
Let’s see how I will adjust to these three last Beiruti months.
Hoping that I will…

langoisse


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A patient family

Clearly tired of sitting all day in an office, writing papers no one will ever read – except demigod and the centre of the Universe – I decided I have to go back to the field.
See people’s face, understand what’s needed and what we only suppose is, see the change, hopefully for the good.

So I started – more seriously – browsing through open positions, and found many interesting ones. It’s a wonderful area of work, difficult to find dull jobs. How did I manage to get my current one, is still a mystery.

When I was in Africa my family was worried all the time – same happened to me last month, with my loved one being “unaccounted for” in Damascus for three weeks, guess I had more reasons to be worried, honestly, but anyway  – so I browsed this list and decided to skip the top Countries, so they don’t need to worry too much.

But I have good chances to go to one in seventh position.

My mum will be so proud! Continue reading