Tomorrow I’ll be back in Lebanon, and this time I have mixed feelings.
Happy to find my friends, excited about the new people I will meet, things I will do, places I will see, but slightly uneasy as well.
It’s not a feeling I can properly explain – or understand, for that matter – but it is there. And I have to come to terms with it, like it or not.
I gave myself a year to move on with my life, to distance myself from people that were making me miserable, from a job that did not make much sense any more, from a road that was leading me somewhere I was not comfortable with.
It mostly worked, looking back, a year ago I was on the verge of a breakdown, I hated almost everything, and almost everyone. I was grateful for the wonderful people I could share a part of the way with, and yet I was sad because I knew I would lose them if I went ahead with my escape plan.
Where am I now?
In a messy room, unable to decide what to take and what to leave, and tempted to leave everything.
And I am…I have no idea. I have maybe understood things about myself, I now know that despite despising the organisation I worked for, I love my job. I am good at it, and it made me happy. It even made sense, sometimes, when I was not confined inside those grey walls, with many grey people.
So, what do I do now?
Guess I will start looking for jobs I am skilled for again.
I know I will probably never work in the field, despite that being my dream. But dreams can change, and sometimes the reality we face is even better than the dreams we had.
Or we just adjust to what we have.
Let’s see how I will adjust to these three last Beiruti months.
Hoping that I will…